Keepin it together

For the past week all I could do was stare at hospital walls, I couldn't even let myself think. I tried my hardest to keep this pain away.....and then I finally found the solution to it.

Loosing a child is one of the hardest things I will ever suffer through, even a child I never got to meet. Im trying to stay strong for Katie, she needs me right now. I won't be working for a while and Katie will come home from the hospital next week. When you suffer unimaginable pain such as this... the only thing that can even begin to make it better, is your family and friends. I knew I was appreciated before, but what our entire gang shares is genuine love.

Jannill took me out the other day, just to get away. We went out on Mickey a while and Jannill made me a chocolate cake. Just for a few hours my mind had the freedom to wander. To wander to a place where the pain I recently felt couldnt ever exist.

Steve, my best buddy, has sacrificed his time and job to be here for me. Hes always at the hospital forcing me to eat and sleep. And hes taken care of Mickey for me this past week.

Brooke and Kit brought all of Katie's clothes, makeup, and hair accessories to the hospital. Even though shes been laying in a bed all week they wanted her to feel good. They dressed her up, painted her nails, and did her hair. In the moments of that, I could see how Katies heart was beginning to heal, how her face lit up again.

Dimitri has been workin his ass off at the DX covering mine and Steves shifts, and on his little time off hes been here with me as well.

Darry and Pony are taking my part in the chores at the house, and have to suffer through eachothers cookin since Im not there to cook.

Bre and Dallas check in every once in a while, catching me up on whats happenin on the south side.

In times like this its when you realize who cares the most. I couldnt ask for better friends and I definitely could not suffer through this without you guys. When there is pain like this in life, you realize the only thing that can take it away are true friends and family. I just want to thank you!!!

Words Can't Even Say...

Yesterday Steve, Dimitri, and I hung out together. We went to the rodeo and then got some food afterwards. We didnt get back till late and I found out Kit was out with the girls, Pony was somewhere with Brooke, and Darry was working. Katie was home alone, well if she was even home. The house was dark but her car was in the driveway. I opened the front door and started over to turn on the light when my foot nudged against something against the floor. I reached down and realized...... It was Katie. "Katie!" I said her name but she didnt answer. I raced to turn on the lights and when I turned back towards Katie, thats when I noticed the blood. It was everywhere, all over the floor and Katies pants. She had cuts on her face and bruises down her arms. Im sure they covered her but her clothes hid them. I swear my heart fell out of my chest. I heard footsteps commin up the porch. Kit, Pony, and Darry walked in. I already had Katie in my arms carrying her out to the car. Pony and Darry stared with their mouths hanging open and Kit was on the verge of crying. She hopped in the car with me to help hold Katie in the seat while Dar and Pony jumped in the bed of the truck. I swear I've never driven so damn fast in my life. Kit got Katie to regain some consciousness, enough to where she could talk. Kit asked Katie what happened and all she managed to say was "Bob." I almost forgot how to breathe. Hot tears were starting to run down my face. We reached the hospital in about three minutes and as soon as we pulled in Darry leaped out and sprinted inside. They came and got Katie and rushed her in to the emergency room where all these doctors and nurses were covering her in tubes. I was scared, I couldnt even get close to her, all I wanted to do was tell her I love her and that she was gonna be okay. They made me sit in the waiting room. I walked out to find the entire gang sitting there. No one said anything me... they just all stared, most of their expressions were horrified, I guessed their expression was a reaction to mine. I plopped in a chair next to Kit and Steve. For the next five hours my eyes were glued to the floor. I have never sat so still. Everyone was lookin and talkin about me but I didnt care. All I could think about was Katie and Snow. At three AM the doctor finally appeared and motioned for me. He took me back to Katie. She was hooked up to some machine and was asleep. The doc said she will be fine but has to stay in the hospital for a while. I walked closer to her and thats when I noticed.... there was no lump in the sheet, Katie was back to her non-pregnant size. I looked at the doc and all he said was, "Im sorry. We did everything we could." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to think. I stumbled and had to catch myself on the bed rail to keep from falling to the floor. Back in the waiting area I found the gang standin by the door. I fell in to the first arms I found and hit the floor. It was like someone purposely tore my heart in to pieces and set them on fire. I swear Ive never cried so much in my life or so loudly. There was a puddle on the floor and a wet stain on whoevers shirt it was that I was cryin on. All the girls were in tears.... and even some of the guys. I was practically screaming. I was so ready for this, so ready to be a daddy to my little girl, and in an instant she was ripped away from me, by the person I hate most in the world. I looked up and found that it had been Darry's shoulder I was cryin on, the one that was cryin right along with me, and if you know Darry then you know it takes a hell of a lot to make him cry. I stood up and almost fell back down again but Steve caught me first. "I need some air." I managed to say. I went outside and turned against the brick wall. First I beat my head against it, then my fists. I hit it so hard it tore at my knuckles and I probably woulda kept goin till it reached the bone if it werent for Steve, Dally, Dimitri, and TwoBit. It took all four of them to pin me to the ground and get me to stop screamin. When I finally stopped they pulled me to my feet and I started cryin again, this time it was Steve that I went to. He had me in a hug for about twenty minutes. My cries echoed off the brick walls and I was sure you could hear em clear down to our house. Darry came lookin for us, he saw the blood on my fists and forced me to go back inside. I refused to let them treat my hands, I just wanted this nightmare to go away. I wanted to hold Snow in my arms. I wanted to hear her first words, to teach her how to ride a bike, to shoot the first boy to break her heart. But all that is gone now.... shes gone. I cried for endless hour, way after the sun came up and half the gang had left. I haven't slept or eaten since then. I just dont know what to do anymore. Is there anything that can mend a heart crushed in such a way as this? If I didnt have Katie, I wouldnt know how life could possibly go on. Looking at Dallas, of all people,.... when he talks about Blaze, theres just some loving, connected fatherly instinct and a bond between them that only a father can understand. I was so ready for that. After marrying the love of my life, its what I wanted, most, and to suddenly have that vision shattered and ripped away from me..... its killing me inside, slowly eating at my life, making me wonder if this pain can ever stop. I cry tears but I have no idea why. Pointless tears that will never change anything, that wont ever bring my baby back to me.
Bob has taken three things from me. Sandy, that child that should have been mine, and now Snow. I have never felt so much rage building up inside of me. Next time he crosses my vision will be the last time he ever breathes. I want to kill him....no, I want to torture him, to make him suffer, to make him feel my pain. I want to cause him so much pain that he rather be in hell. I want to kill him and then bring him back to life, just so I can do it all over again.

I love embarassing my little sis =D

Last Friday night the gang went out to eat at the mexican restaurant by the DX. It was fun hangin out with the gang and everything. Well Steve and I decided to pull a few jokes. Steve saw Dallas checkin out the waitress and so Steve told Dally to call her a "Puta" cause it ment something good. LMAO it really ment somethin bad and the waitress took the pitcher of beer in her hand and poured it on top of Dallas's head. He was kinda pissed but it was worth it and he was a little drunk so it just made it funnier. Being an older brother I really wanted to pull a prank on Kit, she had a few beers herself and knowing she likes Dimitri I leaned over to him and whispered suumptin to em. He gets up walks over to Kit and starts givin her a lap dance XD next thing you know he's all over the table and Kit's beat red face was enjoyin the whole thing. Ha ha I love ya little sis!